Playing Chicken

We fight about the principle. In theory we probably agree, but we are both so stubborn we need it done our way. I want you to do A so I can do B and you insist that until I do B you will not do A. It’s a vicious cycle that cannot be broken unless someone backs down and says, “fine, we’ll do it your way”. I don’t want to be that someone, because it defies the morals and values that I hold dearly. You don’t want to be that someone for the same reason. We sit and stare at each other as if playing chicken: waiting for one person to give in. Our stubbornness says I’m not giving in, I’d rather give up. But if we give up, we both lose. Isn’t better to have one winner than to have two losers? I am a people pleaser, so it is me that will back down and do it your way. I just hate that I am that way, I hate that I had to compromise what is important to me to satisfy you. And what hurts the most is that I am not certain that you would ever do it for me. I hope that I’ve made the right decision. I want to make you happy, even if it requires me to sacrifice what is important to me. I believe that keeping things happy between us is more important right now than fighting for a principle, regardless of how important that principle is to me. So the point has been proven – you won the chicken fight. I give in because I refuse to give up.

so i lied...

In november I said I would become more regular with my blogging but that hasnt happened. Perhaps I'm just not cut out to be a blogger anymore? Who knows? But today, as I was trying to get some papers done for school I developed writer's block. So I opened a word document and started typing and it reminded me of how much i loved blogging. While I dont have time tonight to really write a "catch up" blog, I thought I would at least post the blog I typed while at the coffee shop this afternoon. Maybe once the semester is over (two more weeks!!) I will start blogging again...but dont hold your breath, i've said that before...

Its been a long time...

not sure what brought me back to my blog today. i've been gone for quite a while. i'm still not sure why i stopped, but as read through old blogs tonite, i remembered why i started. its a good release of things going on in my life. and it provides me with memories of my life, archived neatly for me. kind of reminded me of a line i saw in a movie once. i dont remember the movie or exactly how the line went, but they were talking about marriage. and how the real reason people get married is to have a witness. someone that witnesses their life. and maybe in a sense, thats what my blog is. a witness to my life.

its been almost 7 months i think since i have posted. a lot has changed. so i will attempt to summarize, as concisely as possible, my life over the past 7 months. Not sure that i will remember all significant events, but i will try. Hopefully the next blog i write will be current. and hopefully this time i will stay current...fingers crossed.

April
wow. april was a long time ago. i know that in april i decided i was going to attend Howard Universtiy. i had been accepted to Temple, Maryland and Howard. I didnt fall in love with Temple when i went to visit. and Maryland is your typical large state school - an experience i had in undergrad. i really wanted to focus on urban education and Howard's program was the only one that would give me that opportunity naturally. their mission statement is what sold me. and it helped that i thought campus was pretty. the truth is, as a non african american that wants to work primarily with african american youth, i might as well feel comfortable in their company...right? hopefully howard will give me an exposure to the culture in addition to the knowledge offered through my classes.

nothing about my job or my love life sticks out in my mind during april. work was work, and i was as single as a slice of kraft cheese...

May
In may work got really tough. it was may when i started to get emotional about leaving the job. i was suffering from a sort of separation anxiety. i know i say i will come back and visit often, but the realist in me questioned how true that would be. the relationships with my kids had grown so much by this time that the idea of losing touch made me very sad. but on the flip side, i knew i was doing what i needed to do. i am not disciplined enough to work and be a teacher. i would let one of my two responsibilities slide.

i went on a first date in may. at the time it was probably insignificant enough not to get mentioned in a blog, but knowing what i know now, i will include that date. i met a man on a personals site in february, and we exchanged a plethora of emails before exchanging numbers a few months later. he lives in florida, and was planning to move to dc in august. so i figured it was worth a shot. the day of the date, i tried to think of every excuse possible to cancel. just wasnt in the mood to date. i was jaded to dating at this point pretty much all around and didnt see a point in sacrificing a friday night for what would probably be another dissappointment. but i went. and he was cute. and conversation went well. and dinner was yummy. and the night flew by. then he was headed back to florida.

the NBA playoffs were underway. it was a lot of fun to fight with the kids about how well the pistons would do. i just wish they werent all heat fans, because i sure got an earful after detroit lost to miami.

my little sister came to visit for memorial day weekend which was fun. it was our first time hanging out together since she turned 21 so that was fun. even took her to DC for a club night.

June
School ended in june and i had to say goodbye to my babies. that was tough. i didnt cry because i just refused to accept that it was over. i was teaching summer school (although it would only be to the incoming freshman, so none of my kids). i was in denial. i didnt start packing my room up, and for some reason still found excuses to go up to school pretty regularly. that school has become my safe haven in many ways. people there really KNOW me. and i am comfortable there.

i spent alot of time in june apartment hunting. my initial plan was to live on campus until i realized that the graduate student housing was SO expensive. it was like $1100 for 400 square feet. and parking was another $100 a month! with no income there was no way i was i going to be able to afford that. so i became a craigslist addict.

I went to michigan the first weekend in july for a college buddy's wedding. he got married in the middle of nowhere, but it was a nice wedding and fun to see some old friends.

the last weekend in june, florida boy came back to dc for a dave matthews concert. he came in on a thursday night and i went to meet him. the plan was that he was going to help me apartment hunt then we'd get dinner. we did that, and had a great time together. by the time we got back to his hotel in virginia, i was too tired to drive back to baltimore. ;-) i stayed with him in the hotel (not like me - it was just our second date) and the power was out at the hotel. so we spent our first night together without any lights. i went home in the morning to pack a bag. things were going so well i knew i wasnt going to leave him until sunday. when i got back to the hotel on friday night he had flowers for me. we went out together on friday night, woke up on saturday and went shopping and had breakfast together. the dave matthews concert was better than i had anticipated...even though it was pouring and we were dressed in ponchos. we had planned to go out after the concert but by the time we made it out of the parking lot, we just headed back to the hotel. the next morning we said our goodbyes and i drove home. i got a call from him shortly after i made it home saying his flight had been cancelled and he was in town for another night. so i went back to dc, picked him up and brought him to my place. he bought me a sudoku book and a giant wall map of dc while he was at the airport. the weekend was something right out of a storybook. i had a great time with this man...

July
I spent the fourth of july weekend in Miami with my dad and little sister for a wedding. had never been to miami before. it was nice. me and my sister ended up fighting and ruining a large part of the weekend, but either way, miami was beautiful.

when i returned to baltimore it was time to start summer school. the friday before summer school started i got really sick. almost instantaneously. i woke up from a nap and was in so much pain i couldnt stop crying. i couldnt wait for an ambulance. i put myself in my car and headed straight for the ER. i ended up passing kidney stones and spent like 4 days in the hospital. not fun. while i was in the hospital, florida boy called alot. i think that was when our "relationship" officially started. it was then that our conversations became daily.

i think it was also in july when i learned that florida boy was not moving to dc in august. he has one more semester of graduate school to finish up in florida - so it will be at least december until he moves here. :-(

after getting out of the hospital i was quick to return to work. the heat at the school in the summer is SO unbearable! it would top 100 degrees in my classroom. imagine that with a room full of 13 year old boys. yuck. i have never sweat so much in my life!!

the rest of my time was spent still being a craigslist addict...

August
Summer school ended at the beginning of the month. now i am officially unemployed. and the day school ended, florida boy came to visit. we spent a 4 day weekend together and it was a blast. we went out to eat on the water, clubbing in dc, duck pin bowling and to an orioles game. at this point i am very happy to have this man in my life. things couldnt be better (unless he lived closer to me).

still a craigslist addict. and now i am a very desperate craigslist addict. my lease is up at the end of the month and i have no where to go...not good. i think halfway through the month i made a bunch of appointments for a sunday. and promised myself by the end of that day i would make a decision. and i did. i found a house that i liked alot. so i signed on it the same day and moved to silver spring, md the last week of august.

September
Back to school again, but this time as a student. i havent been a full time student since the 00-01 school year, so it was an adjustment. all my classes are in the evening so i never needed to set an alarm clock. and it seems like my days are so much longer since all i am doing is going to school. i started the semester off very disciplined about studying, staying ahead in my reading, and getting assignments done before they were due. i was very nervous. this degree is a big change from the engineering degree i hold. more reading and writing, both of which intimidate me. but i got off to a great start.

i really like being at an HBCU. its a much different experience than my undergraduate institution - which was a big state school. but it was definately an adjustment getting used to being the only non-african-american in my classes. i was invited to participate in conversations that i had never been included in previously. i hear points of view that are very un-pc. but its eye opening, enlightening and inspiring. i am very glad i made this decision.

i flew down to florida over labor day to see the florida boy, who i seem to like more everytime we see each other. we didnt do a whole lot while i was there, but the time together was lots of fun. we went out to a nice dinner, played a lot of video games and went to a very cool zoo-like park. just playing video games was nice, it was like spending "real" time together as we might do if we lived near each other. at this point he has got me hooked. i havent liked a man this much in years.

two weeks later i was headed to florida again! the boy had some major catastrophe in his life and claimed that seeing me would mean a lot to him. so he paid for the ticket and i flew down to atlanta, and then rented a car and drove to his place. we had to stay in a hotel because his place was "under construction". the first day we went and watched football with some of his friends. we ended up getting into a minor argument while we were out in which i thought he was being unsupportive of my career (which is VERY important to me). after getting back to the hotel we cleared that up and realized it was just a misunderstanding. the next day we went and watched more football, then came back to the hotel. we switched rooms and got a jacuzzi suite. wow. spent the whole night in the jacuzzi (until i passed out). in the morning we headed for atlanta where he had a business meeting. spent the day in atlanta and had dinner with a college friend of mine. this weekend with my florida boy was the best yet. i think it was this weekend that i first felt (and told him) that i loved him. wow.

a good friend of mine got married in september. her wedding was a lot of fun because i feel so close to her. i even helped plan the bridal shower and the bachelorette (which came with great pics). i think it was the first time a really close friend got married geographically close to me so that i was able to be a part of the lead-up activities. i even got to be the airport driver for their honeymoon. they seem so happy together. i am really happy for them.

i also managed to make it back to baltimore a few times (once a week i think) to spend time at the school and see my much missed students.

October
october got off to a rough start. my best friends mom went into the hospital for a brain tumor. although it was not cancerous, it still needed to be removed. the surgery resulted in swelling which led to a second surgery days later which put mom into a coma. i flew home the first weekend in october to be with her and spent all my time in the hospital waiting for mom to wake up. it was tough to see my best friend in so much pain and stress. i didnt know how to be helpful, but i am glad i went and was able to be there for her. her mom came out of the coma weeks later, but was still in very critical condition.

the second weekend my big sister came to visit for howards homecoming festivities. we dont see each other often but its amazing when we do. she really spoils me. we are very close, and always have so much fun together. we went shopping, drinking, dancing, and hung out at howard. it was a great weekend, until saturday night when apparently someone put something in her drink. that kinda ruined a big part of a great night. she is always the one taking care of me when we drink, it was strange to have the tables turned but i did the best i could. i was really sad to see her go. i hope that one day we will live closer together.

the third weekend, florida boy flew me to visit him again. my third visit in 7 weeks. this time we both had a lot of school work to do, so most of the time was spend studying - each of us on our laptops working. but there was a great comfort in looking up from my computer to see a man that makes me so happy. we even got to spend our first diwali together and celebrated by going out to eat a nice indian dinner.

the last weekend my landlord threw a halloween party. i was "self-absorbed" - i wore sponges all over myself. it made me laugh and i think a few others got a kick out of it. a few of my friends came up and it was nice to see them and be able to spend some time talking to them.

in october, i got hired by the baltimore city schools to officially be a substitute teacher at my old school. its nice that i now get to go up there and see my kids and get paid to do it.

school is going well. i did really well on my midterms, which made me very happy since when i took them i thought i had done poorly. i am a lot smarter now than i was a few months ago. i have learned a whole lot and am loving learning. wish i could just be a student forever.

November (so far...)
my best friends mom in michigan is making a lot of progress. she should be ready for rehab pretty soon, which is a HUGE relief. things are not easy right now, but they are definately improving. i still dont know how to be helpful but we are talking more and i hope that having me to talk to is helpful to her.

the florida boy decided we should cut things off. that sucked really bad. it has consumed me for the past few weeks. i just couldnt understand why. things were so good. but he kept citing the distance as his reason. he worried that we would start to hate each other before we had the chance to really explore our potential in a "normal" relationship. things are hard when you are so far away from each other, but i just kept telling myself that its just a few more months. there were a few rocky weeks. lots of brain draining emotional conversations. but in the end (as of today) we are trying to be friends so that when he does get here we can explore what our true potential is. i am still really sad about it, but hopeful that if things are meant to be they will. fingers crossed...

school is going well, i still get to see my former students and baltimore friends with some regularity, and the semester is finally coming to a close...the rest of my stories will start to flow from here...

stay tuned!

Spring Break

my spring break in a nutshell: (in no particular order...)

• visited three college campuses in an attempt to choose a graduate program for the fall.
• played a lot of yahoo euchre. there were two nights where without realizing it, i stayed up until 6am playing. thats my obsessive-compulsive-kinda-scary side.
• made a house call to one of my advisees homes to pick up a recommendation form for a math camp and to help her complete the application (thats the ONLY teacher thing i did do).
• went on one really lame date which i think has forced me to give up internet dating all together.
• ate 3 big macs - with extra sauce of course.
• only turned on my TV to watch piston basketball...the end of the season is so boring. i cant wait for the playoffs to start.
• shared easter dinner with a coworker and her in-laws (which she refers to as her out-laws).
• met up with some old girlfriends and their kids for dinner.
• tackled the flu (although the cough part seems to still be lingering).
• got an email from my principal saying how proud she is of my growth over the past two years and how sad she is that i am leaving. she says she will miss me.
• got another email from my principal (two days later) asking me to submit my letter of resignation to free up my space so she can hire a replacement.
• attended my first "funeral viewing session" - not sure what its called formally, but the day before the funeral when you look at the dead body and offer condolences to the family.
• ordered wings from buffalo wild wings. one of my favorite restaurants from back home that i just discovered has opened 20 mins away from my place. comfort food.
• paid all my bills. apparently in my hell weeks prior to spring break i had received a few collection notices that i never opened. oops.
• received a phone call from my mom who is currently in India. didnt expect a call so it was a welcomed surprise.
• did a lot of sudoku puzzles. even invested in an elctronic handheld sudoku game that sucks cuz its hard to read the screen. i like my book much better.
• got my first pedicure of the season.
• ate an entire box of lofthouse cookies in 3 days. that cant be good for me. but it felt good.
• booked a ticket to fly home for a good friend's wedding in june.
• only drank 5 beers all week (and 4 of them we on the friday we got out of school).
• decided that i will be attending Howard University this fall to get my Masters degree.

the most worthless day of my existence...

what a waste of my first day of spring break. i spent more time in bed asleep than anything else. i didnt even shower (eew...gross). i didnt turn on the tv. i did nothing today. normally i would feel guilty about wasting a day...but the fact of the matter is that i have 9 more days left of vacation. i will be sure to use those more wisely than i did today.

woke up at 10am with a sore throat and a fever. stayed in bed until noon reading, and doing sudoku puzzles. crawled out of bed to jump into the car and get to the bank to deposit a check. came home. got back in bed. got out of bed at 4pm. went to IHOP for a big steak omelet and a short stack of strawberry smothered pancakes. came home. played euchre online. got back in bed at 6. got out of bed at 9pm. still feeling feverish. it 9:30 now...maybe i will just chalk today up as a completely worthless day and go back to bed for the night. after one more game of euchre, of course.

Groundhog's Date

In my last post, I aligned my dating life to the movie groundhogs day. I thought i would elaborate on that theory...

In a fit of boredom (and lonliness) I have put up a few profiles on personals sites. I just dont get out enough (lack of female friends...and its not too safe for me to be clubbing solo). So until this fall, when i re-enter academia, personals sites just make sense. anyhow, the groundhog's day metaphor comes in here.

when i meet someone online, we go through the same steps. its like the same thing over and over again...just with different men. First we share a few IMs, then a few phone calls, and eventually we set up to meet for happy hour. We drink a beer, I smile, he charms, we laugh. i ask the same questions of him that i ask on every date, i respond to his questions with the same answers i give out on every date. I tell the same jokes, and the same stories, he laughs at the same point in the story that every other man laughs at. I'm sure the first time i told the story it was funny, but after telling the same damn story twenty times, i feel like a dating machine. As the night goes on, he gets extra flirty. he might grab my hand or put his arm around me and i act like its so special. i'm sure once upon a time it really did feel special, now it just feels like every other date. he gets that cute, i'm so into you giggle so i imitate it, clearly mine is fake. i think the staff at the few bars i frequent wonder about me. and why i always show up with a different man and act as though i'm on the same date. i have a few "signature" first-date outfits so it must seem strange. in the same outfit, at the same bar, and the same table, drinking the same drink, eating the same food - just a different man. at the end of the date, he walks me to my car and says goodnight with an innocent kiss. the next day he calls, and i dont answer. i just didnt feel the connection. so then i do it all again...with a different man, of course.

its pathetic - i can predict each moment of the date like i'm watching a rerun of the cosby show. i'm patiently awaiting the man that will sweep me off my feet, and yank me out of this groundhog day pattern...because i dont think i can take much more.

Lonley...

Its saturday night and i ain't got nobody...

i know that line makes it sound like i am desperate for a boyfriend, but its truly so much more than that. i'm at a point in life where i feel like i dont have anyone to hang out with. all my girlfriends in this state are married, or living with their significant others. they are great friends, but arent available to hang out as much as i would like. with them it seems like everything has to be planned, so they can get the "ok" from the mister. but nights like tonite, i just want to call a girlfriend up and say "come sit on the couch and watch a chick flick with me - i'll buy some ice cream." No such luck. my only single friend informed me a few weeks ago that she is dating a woman. she spends all her time with the new girlfriend. (i am still weirded out by this...two months ago we were checking out men together...)

so i have no girlfriends to call on when i get lonely on a saturday night. they invite me over to hang out in the land of the married couple, but that just doesnt sound like fun. i do it every now and then, but in a way its more depressing than being home alone - makes me want a husband of my own...but i really dont...

so then when i spend this lonely time without girlfriends, it makes me wish i had a man. just someone to lay on the couch with, share massages with, tell funny stories to, cuddle with, wake up to. in the past i've been a relationship person. from the beginning of 1998 until the end of 2004 i was in relationships back to back. since then my dating life has been rather non-committal. just a few dates here and there, but nothing constant. its kinda depressing...i hate the dating game, i just want to meet my mister right instead of casually dating around. it gets rather boring...dating for me has been like groundhogs day. same date over and over again. i just want to meet a man and click...i want to look forward to his phone calls. i am tired of dating. i am tired of getting all dolled up to go meet a new man for drinks, only to learn that i am just not that into him or vice versa.

i'm tired of lonely nights on the couch, i'm tired of not having friends that want to go out, i'm tired of going on lots of dates, i'm tired of being lonely...

this made me smile...

In the DETROIT NEWS, Bob Wojnowski writes that "the Pistons have only two formidable foes in the Eastern Conference. One is boredom. The other is Miami. When the latter shows up, the former disappears.

anonymous wizards letter...

So after the awful pistons weekend, i returned to school today to find an anonymous typed letter sitting on my desk. it was so amusing to me that i thought i would share it with the rest of the blogger world. i figured out who did it, but its still more fun to call it anonymous...

all of the grammar and spelling mistakes have been left in place...it adds to the humor and authenticity of the letter...

"To Whom It May Concern:
On behalf of the Washington Wizards I would like to apologize; for your lack of enjoyment at our game on Saturday, March 11, 2006. We would have been more than glad to refund your ticket money; since you did leave with mixed emotions of wanting to cry and asking why you couldn't be born a Wizards fan. Our organization learned that you were warned about the Detroit Pistons not being able to beat the Washington Wizards but you didn't listen to the person who is 90% of the time correct. For that reason we are unable to refund the ticket money. But, from the bottom of our hearts we really do wish that your older sister was able to comfort you, during your moment of pain from the loss. If you would like we would gladly send you an authentic jersey of any current Wizard player you choose. Two players I thank you should consider are Caron Butler because he did score 37% of the teams points. Or maybe you would like an Antonio Daniels jersey because he sparked the team to victory from his momentum booster of a dunk or the wide open three-pointer he made on the next position. But, any player would be a wise choice. If you would like your refund jersey please contact us at http://www.WashingtonWizard.com.

Sincerely,
The unofficial speaker For the Washington Wizards"

So when i asked the student about caron butler's 37%, he matter-of-factly retorted - "Ms. K, it wasnt a mistake, i actually did the math!" i love this kid...

My team didn't show up...

so there was a lot of build-up for this weekend. and alot invested into it. the tickets, the airfare, the jerseys, the new boots, the alcohol, the food, the gas...all for a game. we painted our faces, made a sign, and went to the game. we ran into some chaos with the parking situation, and got to the game a bit late. missed the start of the first quarter cuz we were standing in the beer line.

the game started off just ok...and as time went on it just kept getting worse. the wizards were stomping all over my boys. the pistons were not playing with the same heart and determination that has made me love being a fan. i felt so dissappointed. then they stuck the dagger in my heart - with 6 minutes to go in the fourth, they gave up. took all the starters out of the game and let the bench play...

what a bummer. i'm glad i was there with my sister because i really dont think i could have handled the dissappointment with anyone else. the local radio station said the pistons were going to be at a nightclub after the game. so eventually we went by there to see. my sister is in radio, and knows that stations will often do that just to psyche people out and often the mentioned celebrity isnt even there.

honestly, we didnt go in (too long of a line and too high of a cover). but we did hang out on the strip where the club is and people watched. we talked to passer-bys and noone saw the pistons there. good thing too...probably would have upset me if they were out partying after such a horrific loss...especially since they had a game the next afternoon.

we drove around the city for hours after the game. i had to have her at the airport for a 6:30 am flight so there was no point in coming home. despite the disappointing loss, it was really nice and therapuetic to spend some quality time with my sister. long long overdue...